It’s a Cracker: Spectacular Optometry Jokes!  

So the turkey is waiting for a good old roasting and those chestnuts are ready to go on the fire. Before Noddy Holder takes over…it’s Christmas!!

That’s right, let’s just hope you have been a good boy or girl this year. Wherever you are celebrating, it’s time to pull out that ostentatious jumper or get a head start on those mince pies.

Do leave one out for Santa and his helpers as it is the season of good will after all. You don’t have to be a mulled or Gluhwein fan to enjoy yourself but it does help. What could be better than curling up in front of a cosy log fire (if you have one) in a reindeer onesie covered in tinsel and baubles.

Well you could get yourself over to where we have our 20% festive sale. But you’ll have to be as quick as Prancer and Dancer as it’s only on until January 4th.

To ensure your Christmas goes with a bang, here is our roundup of the best optometry jokes to get you in the festive mood. We hope you don’t mind a cornea joke or two. It’s about time we got stuck in to a little port and cheese.

Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all of its contacts!

I went to my optician recently and he told me that I was colour-blind. Now that was a bolt from the yellow.

So my dad was given a selfie stick as a Christmas present. It turns out that he can now hold it far enough away to read text messages.

Now, whoever said that carrots can improve your eyesight is talking absolute nonsense. I actually got poked in the eye with one recently and couldn’t see for a month!

I’m not saying my eyesight is getting worse but yesterday, in the car, I spent 20 minutes letting a hedgehog cross the road. I carried on driving when I discovered that it was a pine cone.

What do you give to a Geordie who has conjunctivitis? Why eye drops of course.

An Irishman walks into an optometrists and says he requires at least three pairs of glasses. The optometrist looks puzzled and asks “why do you need so many pairs?” The Irishman replies “To be sure, to be sure, to be sure.”

A man goes to the eye doctor. He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains; ‘I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.’  The receptionist asks, ‘Have you ever seen a doctor?’ to which the man replies, ‘No, just spots.’

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire pay check. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.” Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

A lady visits an optician’s shop and announces that she has a screw loose. The optician then kindly tells her “Don’t worry Madam, there are three practitioners who can help you just around the corner.”

A man walks walked into the opticians and asks, “How much are your glasses?”The assistant says, “Well it depends, they all vary.” The man then replies replied, “Oh, I see clearly.” The assistant responds abruptly “Well, you don’t need any then.”

I only wear glasses when I’m playing tennis. After all, it is a non-contact sport.

A man goes to the eye doctor. The eye doctor asks him if his eyes have ever been checked. The man says “no they’ve always been brown.”

Why did the Cyclops close his school? He had only one pupil.

What is a Glaswegian’s favourite song of all time? Aye of the Tiger of course.

Son: Have you seen the Two Ronnies ‘four-eyes’ sketch yet? Dad: it’s four-candles isn’t it. Son: Oh dear Dad, your eyesight’s a lot worse than I originally thought.

Doctor doctor, every time I drink a cup of hot chocolate I get a sharp, stabbing pain in the eye. Try taking the spoon out first.

Knock Knock, Who’s there? Eyeball, Eyeball who? Eyeball my eyes out every time you go!

Knock Knock, Who’s there? Eyes, Eyes who? Eyes got loads more knock knock jokes for you!

Yo mama’s so cross-eyed, she thought that her only child was a twin.

Yo mama’s glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can see people waving.

Yo mama’s so cross-eyed she sees the future and the past at the same time!

And finally…

At a hotel restaurant, a man is sitting down to dinner when he spots an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying straight out of her eye socket. Slow motion Matrix style, the man jumps up from the table and snatches it from the air. He then hands it back to her. “This is so embarrassing,” the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place.

“I’m sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?” The man nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, incredibly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, “You are the most charming woman I’ve ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” the woman replies. “You just happened to catch my eye.”

Simon (SelectSpecs)

Simon Lazarus is an experienced copywriter, PR/Business Consultant with a number of clients across different territories. This includes the US, Canada, China and the Middle East. Currently, his extensive portfolio includes writing engaging content, sharp marketing material, blogs and articles for a host of sites on diverse topics. This features food and drink, travel, business, luxury, personal finance, news, sport, technology, health, education and more. He also advises businesses on strategies, ROI and marketing across different sectors especially in the hospitality industry. Through online platforms and websites, Simon's portfolio of articles have amassed more than 5 million views to date.

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