Friday Funnies: Optometry Jokes

While going through the morning ritual of visiting all my daily favourite website haunts before getting down to doing some work, I came across an interesting group on Facebook called “Optometry Jokes”.  Hell I couldn’t keep these jokes to myself so decided to post them all on our Blog for those non ‘facebookers’ out there.  Some of them are funny, some are just plain awful…

What music do optoms listen to?
-itunes

What was the lens’s excuse to the policeman?
-I’ve been framed officer

What type of vision do dustbin men (and dustbin women) have?
-bin-ocular vision

How do you take over the globe?
-with a contact lens

What do you call a deer without eyes?
-No idea

What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?
– Douthinkhesaraus

What did the sailor say to the captain of the optom boat?
-eye-eye captain

Where do you send a depressed eye?
-to the low vision centre

What did the frame tag say to the frame?
-I have a crush on you.

Knock, knock
whos there?
Got it in one (WHO= World Health Organisation)

How do you make a blonde’s eyes twinkle?
-Shine a light in her ear.

Where is the eye located?
-between the H and the J.

What happens when the retina cries?
-you get retinal tears

What is an Irish persons favourite organ?
-eyeee

What game do frames play?
-tag

What happened to the lab tech when he fell into the lens grinder?
-he made a spectacle of himself

What did the right eye say to the left eye?
-Between you and me, there’s something that smells…

“A guy was in specavers the other day….guess who he bumped into??
-Everyone!!”

Q: How do you pay for Progressive Addition Lenses (PAL)?
A: PayPAL

Q: Who has the 3 Eyes?
A: Kurt Angle (Three I’s=Integrity, Intensity & Intelligence)

When is a lens not a lens?
-When it’s aphakic.

When is a lens REALLY not a lens?
-When it’s a-fake-ic.

Doctor (whose English isn’t very good): You store eyeglasses just in case.
-Confused Patient: Just in case of what?

Doctor: Read the bottom line
-Patient: Copyright 1995 Made in Japan

Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
optom: Didn’t the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

Patient – ‘Doctor, doctor, I think I’m an Interview lens!’
Doctor – ‘Really? What are your symptoms?’
Patient – ‘Did you see the England game last night? I thought that Rooney did ver….. oh, sorry, I digress…’

What do you call a norwegian optom?
-Toric the Viking

What did the frame-tag say to the detagging gun?
-Ex-SKU’s me
(SKU = barcode at vision express)

I was telling my staff about a patient with uveitis. They asked, “is that when they get exposed to too much UV light?”

Optician: You need glasses.
Patient: But I’m wearing glasses.
Optician: Then I need glasses.

A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, “Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?”
“Yes, of course,” said the doctor, “why not!”
“Oh! How nice it would be,” said the patient with joy, “I have been illiterate for so long.”

What did the mummy contact lens say to the naughty child contact lens??
-I’ve had enough, go and sit in the cornea!

What is the difference between an optom student and the trash?
-At least the trash goes out once a week!
Little Johnny’s neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately the baby, was born without ears. When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.  Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word “ears” he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said,” What a beautiful baby.” The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnny.” Johnny said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?”
“Yes, the mother replied, “we are so thankful. The doctor said he will have 20/20 vision ”
“That’s great,” said little Johnny, “cuz he’d be shit-outta-luck if he needed glasses.”

How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
( I don’t know)
You tell me.. is it one or two?

A Polish person went to have their eyes tested. The eye test chart read: N Y X C S F R U Z. The optom asked, ‘can you read any of those letters?’ ‘read it?’ the polish person answered, ‘i know him!’

Sol had lived a long life, which was drawing to its end. As his family surrounded him on his deathbed, he asked to see his optometrist.
“Optometrist?” they asked. “Why in the world do you want to see your optometrist?”
“Just get him for me.”
So they go get Dr. Kaplan, who, on seeing Sol about to depart this life, asked, “Sol, it pains me to see you like this. What can I possibly do for you?”
Sol opened his eyes slightly and said, “Doc, before I go, there’s one thing I have to know. Which one was clearer – A or B?”

A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, “Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?”
“Yes, of course,” said the doctor, “why not!”
“Oh! How nice it would be,” said the patient with joy, “I have been illiterate for so long.”

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

A woman walks into an optician to return a pair of spectacles that she purchased for her husband a week before.
The assistant asks, “What seems to be the problem, Madam?”
The woman replies, “I’m returning these spectacles I bought for my husband. He’s still not seeing things my way.”

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye-deer

and a deer with no eyes, no legs and no…erm….sexual organs?
still no ***king eye-deer

What do you call a blind dinosaur’s dog?
Doyoufinkhesaurus Rex

Patient: “I can’t see very far in these new glasses”
Optom takes him to the door: “What’s that up there?”
Px: “The sun”
Optom: “How far do you want to f****** see!”

How do you diagnose a prostitute’s eye?
-It accomodates but doesn’t reaction

What do you call a blind stag?
No Eye-Deer

What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Doyoufinkhesaurus

(For more PC versions, substitue “blind” for “severely sight impaired”)

Polish man goes into an opticians…
Optician covers one eye up and says to the bloke…
“Can you read the bottom line ?”
Polish man says ” Read it ! I know him ”

Px mum: Why do u love that eye doc?
Px: Because it’s eye-deal mum (ideal) ………….GET IT

Q. Where does bad light end up?
A. In Prism

Q. What happens when you split a prism?
A. All the prismers escape

Q. What do you call a dinosaur with 2 heads, 2, tails, 8 legs, and 2 bodies?
A. A Diplopiasaurus!
(This also works with a dinosaur with a traumatic eso/exo/hypo/hypertropia, but that isn’t quite so funny….)

Px: I keep getting a stabbing pain in my eye every time I drink coffee
Optom: Have you tried taking the spoon out of the cup?

An ophthalmic surgeon is doing an operation. He’s about to finish when, surprisingly, the patient wakes, sits up, and demands to know what’s going on.
“I’m about to close,” says the surgeon.
The patient grabs the surgeon’s hand and says, “I’m not going to let you do that. I’ll close my own incision.”
The surgeon hands him the needle and thread and says, “Suture self.”

Guy goes in to his local optometrists carrying a tuba case. When he gets into the consult room he opens the case a shows the optom. Inside is the biggest turd imaginable. The optom shreaks “What the Hell is your problem, get out of here you sicko!” and the bloke says “No, no you don’t understand. Everytime I do one of those my eyes water”